So there’s this crazy story about this, like, ancient Persian king named Darius the Magnificent who’s coming to the throne of Persia, like, so long ago even the Romans are all like, “I can’t even with all this history and shit.” And Darius is ascending to the throne for the first time amid this total, like, historical blood bath and it’s unclear, or whatever, if Darius even has, like, any actual claim to the throne or is just a snake. And so Darius is all at his coronation ceremony, and all the people are all, like, “Seriously, what the fuck is even happening? We don’t even know who you are bro. Weren’t you some, like, general or whatever for the last king?” And Darius is all like, “Woah, woah, woah, let me explain”. And he says, “No but seriously here’s what happened”. And he’s like, “Okay. Long ago, okay, the last king, Cambyses — you know him right?– okay well I was his bodyguard. You all know that right?” And all the people are like, “Yeah, that checks out.” And he’s like, “Okay, well, as his bodyguard, I was privy to all sorts of high-level kingly shit that you all wouldn’t know about because you all are, like, lowly peasant scum.” And the people are like “Okay, sure, that sounds right.” And he’s like “Okay so, one of the crazy things that I knew about but you didn’t is that Cambyses, your former king right, he killed his brother Bardiya, right, like, freaking years ago man, but didn’t tell anyone except a select few of his very most favouritist closest buddies, like me and like six other dudes.” And the people are all like, “For reals?” And Darius is like, “For reals.” And then there’s this moment where he just looks out at the mass of people and nods meaningfully and the people turn their heads sideways and are all like, “Hmmmm”. And Darius is like, “‘Hmmmm’ is right. Well, anyway, Cambyses, right, he killed his brother so there was no successor to the throne. And then, as you all know, Cambyses went totally off his rocker and did a bunch of bad stuff including some seriously sacrilegious shit that I for one did not condone. But what could I do? I mean, I was just his bodyguard.” “Totes,” the people say. “We certainly understand feeling powerless.” “Well, so anyways, as you all know, then Cambyses accidentally stabs himself in his leg while he’s getting on his horse, and the leg gets infected and he dies.” “Still with you,” the people say. “And that kind of bad luck happens all the time, as you know,” Darius says, “and is in no way suspicious. And anyways, tragically, Cambyses, god rest his bat-shit soul, dies without any heir.” “Well, but-” The people say, but Darius is like “Now hold on a minute. I know what you’re thinking: ‘What about Bardiya’?” “Exactly,” the people say. “What about Bardiya?!” “And you’re saying that because, like, you know that me and Bardiya just had us like a big ol’ civil war and I just killed Bardiya, who, to your minds, would have had a legitimate claim to the throne. Way more legitimate than mine, because he was Cambyses’ younger brother.” And the people are all like, “Totally! So you can see why we’re confused and sort of looking at you like a traitorous usurper!” And Darius smiles and is like, “But you poor uneducated piss-heads! Didn’t I just tell you that Cambyses killed his brother Bardiya years ago when I was his lowly bodyguard, but kept that secret from you because, well… because it would probably have blown your pathetic little peon heads clean open?” “Oh right!” The people say. And Darius is, like, motioning to his lackey to start polishing the crown up for the coronation moment and says, “Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Well, so now you see that this dude I was just having the civil war with WASN’T Bardiya after all. He was a pretender! A FAKE Bardiya. And he was all, like, trying to fool you into thinking he had a right to the throne by acting like the long-dead Bardiya, and damn near had you, I might add, but for the fact that I — acting with a good bit of initiative and in the name of my totally unsuspiciously slain former master Cambyses — tracked him down like the rat he is and killed him.” “Wow,” the people say. “What a wild story.” “But,” one peasant says, “How can we tell if, like, what you’re saying is true? Because couldn’t you just be saying that Bardiya was killed years ago so that we don’t think you just killed the real Bardiya? And isn’t it even totally possible YOU killed Cambys–” But that peasant got hit with a spear through the sternum and was, like, dragged off stage right before he could finish. And Darius was all like, “Isn’t it totally crazy how anyone who disagrees with this story or impedes in any way my rise to power is mysteriously struck down? Seems like god totes wants me to be king, no?” And the people were like, “We feel oddly compelled to agree with you.” And Darius went on to be the greatest thing since leavened bread.